Behind the Demons
by demonicserenade
Summary: Lucy is a psychiatrist at Rainbow Blossom Sanatorium designated a new patient with a familiar face. How far will she go to save Natsu from himself? For that matter, what will happen to her if she goes too far? (An AU take on what would happen if Natsu became E.N.D. and how Lucy could save him...kind of a Harley Quinn/Joker relationship dynamic).
1. Worst Nightmares

**Chapter One: Worst Nightmares**

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 _Life's filled with trauma. You don't need to go to war to find it; it's going to find you. - Sebastian Junger_

* * *

Lucy knew the nightmare by smell. The smell of green, freshly cut flowers always hung thicker when dirtied by imported cigars and liquor. It didn't matter how pretty a picture was - how innocent the sight of daisies on the windowsill of her father's office may have looked to an outsider. She could smell him, and she knew in that moment she'd wake up screaming. She'd long ago resigned herself to these nightmares. She no longer actively attempted an escape during the night. She just took the abuse, took the insults and the cuts and the hits and waited for morning to come. And as she felt her father's tears on her forehead - so ashamed of his humanity he made himself a monster - she knew she'd wake up covered in a reminiscent cold sweat. It was routine. It was usual. It was ordinary.

When she woke up to the jarring sound of her own screams - promptly, at four a.m. - she sighed and tried to get some sleep, naturally failing miserably. When she heard her blaring alarm at six a.m., she sat straight up in bed and stared at the blank white wall in front of her. Boring. Mundane. Typical. Of course, she couldn't have imagined as she showered, put on a well-fitting blouse and pencil skirt, and made her way to the sanatorium with the same, unrelenting purpose in her step she had the day before, that this day was anything but ordinary. But you see, this day was not just another day of blonde hair swishing as she made her way up foreboding marble steps or demure pink lips glimmering as she dodged her co-worker's advances with a mask and a smile none could decipher. This was the day he became her patient - the day her life completely changed in ways that thrilled and chilled her down to her very core, forever.

Lucy opened her locker and replaced her lab coat with her purse, putting the coat on and checking herself in her mirror to ensure she looked presentable. She smirked and thought to herself "Keeping it together never looked so good, huh, dad?" She slammed the door of her locker with all the strength she could muster and heard her mirror clatter against its metal, shattering against the impact. Lucy winced slightly at the sound of broken glass but continued to walk away from her locker. She wasn't in the mood to piece together anything else broken this morning - this was clearly a job for future Lucy. Present Lucy had enough to deal with, which was made all too abundantly clear when she skimmed her newest patient's file.

Etherious N. Dragneel: a philanthropist turned murderer so suddenly, the court opted to uphold his insanity plea rather than send him to the chair. She grimaced. It was all a code. "Philanthropist" meant "rich benefactor" and "insanity plea" meant "got caught with his hand in the cookie jar." She was sick of the corrupt politicians in Magnolia using "insanity" as an excuse to get away with murder. She felt like a conspirator in their plots and nothing was more revolting to her.

 _I know, right? Ugh, GOD, they never murder for the right reasons, huh sug?_

Lucy froze as she heard that voice rear out of its drug-induced haze. She cursed herself. As the epitome of irony itself, Lucy Heartfillia was the only employee at Rainbow Blossom Sanatorium with a psychiatric disorder of her own. Her lesser half - a persona she vowed to never name - made her a regular freak show; someone who could relate to the inmates and make them feel safe in her empathy. It gave her a unique set of advantages over her peers, but it made certain aspects of her job difficult - especially when her lesser half decided she wanted to "come out and play" during the middle of a session. Lucy reached into her lab coat and withdrew a medication bottle with her new antipsychotics in it. She gulped two down dry and hoped they would last her through this session. The medication was experimental and temperamental, but surely two pills would be enough to suppress her alter ego while she wrestled with the inner demons of this convict.

She steeled her shoulders and opened the door of room 307. It was just like every other therapy room. Sickly green tile was interspersed with cream and intestinal pink tiles from the floor to bottom of the windowsill standing directly opposite the door. The uncovered walls were painted a light green in a half-hearted attempt to brighten the room, which gave the entire room the distinct glow of fresh ectoplasm. The window was barred, and even though there were dirtied curtains drawn in an attempt to hide this, the bars remained resolute as perfectly visible shadows against the brightness of the early morning sun. In the center of the room, there was a metal table bolted to the floor. And there, with his hands handcuffed and folded neatly on the table, was her patient. Her first impressions of his appearance were disjunct from his file - the pink hair, devil-may-care smirk and intricately tattooed, muscular physique in front of her didn't match the over-privileged, white-collar-crime-lord she'd pictured in the slightest. But when his dark eyes locked on hers and his smirk grew large enough to show his prominent canines, she had no doubt the man in front of her was capable of murder.

"Good morning, Mr. Dragneel. My name is Dr. Heartfillia and I'll be your psychiatrist until the courts decide otherwise." She pulled out the chair opposite him and took note of the orderlies standing on either side of her patient. For someone who'd committed murder, she thought he'd warrant more intimidating guards - not that Jet and Droy weren't skilled in their own right. No, she just doubted that if Mr. Dragneel truly wished to escape from them they'd actually be able to do anything about it. As she sat down, she noticed that her patient's skin didn't glow with a sickening pallor despite the fluorescent lighting. He was the first person she'd encountered who looked alive beneath the therapy room lights. In fact, upon closer inspection of his tattoos, it almost looked as if the flames were coming to life under the fluoresce.

"Nice to see you again, Lucy," her patient responded smugly. Stunned, she looked up at him again, wondering if there was something she'd missed in his face - something familiar. He grinned so that his smile took up his entire face and she was transported back to a different time when that smile gave her a reason for living.

Pink hair, devilish grin, dark eyes she drowned in…yes, this was unmistakably "Natsu…" she breathed.

He barked a laugh, "What're the odds, huh? Didn't think I'd ever see you again…it's been what…five years?"

"Six," she breathed, disbelieving, "it's been six years now…" There were so many questions running through her mind. What the hell happened to him? Why did he drop contact with her? After everything - how could he be reduced to this? But she asked none of those questions. She centered herself and adapted to the new situation, just like her training had taught her, and instead inquired, "You changed your name?"

Natsu smirked, "Really? That's your first question? All right, I'll bite, yeah I did change my name - it was bugging me."

"Why?"

"Reminded me of Igneel."

"Oh…" Igneel was Natsu's uncle turned father after a fatal laboratory explosion made Natsu an orphan before he was old enough to recall his mother's embrace. Igneel had taken Natsu under his wing, been the paternal figure he so desperately needed, but he disappeared not long after Natsu's seventh birthday. It had been Natsu's dream to find Igneel that had taken him from Lucy in the first place. She'd always assumed he'd died. Apparently, she was wrong. "What happened?"

Natsu stiffened and his eyes flashed with something Lucy didn't recognize. His knuckles clenched and his lip curled in a snarl, "I don't talk about it."

Lucy smirked, "You will."

"Like hell."

Lucy gave him a tight-lipped smile, "Whether you like it or not, Mr. Dragneel," he blinked, startled by her sudden professionalism, "I'm your psychiatrist now. Since I was assigned to you by the courts, I have to report your progress to your prosecutor - and I'm sure you're very well aware that she'd like nothing better than watching you fry.

"Since I'm the only one standing between you and 2,000 volts of electricity, it's in your best interest to talk about it." Her eyes flashed dangerously, "Plus, you don't get to make any excuses after dumping me for six years. You will give me answers, Natsu Dragneel."

"It's Etherious, now. Natsu is dead." Natsu's eyes hardened at his declaration. He seemed to truly believe that the part of himself Lucy loved and waited for - the Natsu she would have died for without a second thought - was gone forever. But behind the facade and the new tattoos and the added sinew to his arms, Lucy knew that her Natsu was still there if only buried just beneath the surface, somewhere in his subconscious. In that moment, she resolved herself to bring him back, no matter the personal cost.

Lucy opened her mouth to reply but was interrupted by the unwanted sentiments of an unappreciated observer. _Bring him back, sug. I don't like seeing him like this…that boy's too good, ya know?_

Surprised, to say the least by her alter ego's sudden appearance, her reply was choked by a sharp intake of breath, marking her shock for everyone else in the room.

Only then did she take stock of Jet and Droy. Their faces were drawn up in a mixture of surprise and worry and their hands were on their belts, all too prepared to tase the inmate if Lucy got too uncomfortable - protocol be damned. Lucy quickly pulled herself together with a slight cough, "Well, sorry, _Etherious_ , but I believe Natsu has the right to decide his own fate." She stood from the table, leaning over it with her hands flat against its surface, "And I'll be damned if I let you take that away from him."

Etherious glared at Lucy with unadulterated hatred burning at his irises. She felt a sudden flash of sympathy flood her mind, and with it, the strangled cry of her alter ego came crashing into her consciousness like a hurricane _Oh, puddin'…sug, I never ask you for nothing - but ya gotta help him! He's too good…too good, too good, too good…_

Lucy began to feel the voice overwhelm her senses. She slowly felt her body surrender to its will, but before she lost complete control, she ground her left heel into her right foot, effectively bringing her back into the moment without drawing unwanted concern from the orderlies. She quickly raised to her full height and turned so she was facing the door of the therapy room. She forced her tone to reflect nonchalance and said, "This meeting has been quite enlightening. I don't think I need the full hour to evaluate the patient." She addressed Jet and Droy in a lower voice, "Levy will have my treatment plan by lunchtime at the latest - see to it that he's made docile in the meantime." Lucy needed a calm Etherious if she was going to get anywhere with him - a mild sedative would definitely do the trick until she learned more about the inner workings of Natsu's darker side. She straightened her shoulders and clacked out of the room, but as she opened the door, she couldn't seem to help herself from turning her head over her shoulder and calling out with a light smile, "I'm all fired up!" Before she left the room oblivious to the surprised looks that followed her.

She didn't hear Etherious' gasp of surprise and soft whisper of "Luce…" that confirmed everything she knew; the Natsu she loved was alive and well and Lucy, regardless of the pain it would cause her, was the only one who could free his heart from the evil banishing him to the shadows.


	2. Takeout for Two

**Chapter Two: Takeout for Two**

* * *

 _A love like that was a serious illness, an illness from which you never entirely recover. — Charles Bukowski_

* * *

At six o'clock the Rainbow Blossom Sanatorium was closed for business. Of course, there were several orderlies and nurses clocking in for the night shift, but all the sane doctors were living their own lives far away from the general insanity of their occupations.

"Shit!"

Except for Dr. Heartfilia, who was crouched alone in the locker room, gingerly plucking fragments of her broken mirror from the base of her locker and dropping them into a trash bin.

Lucy cradled her finger with a hiss as thin strip of blood seeped from her open wound. She groaned. Of course Natsu came back to her on the same day she broke a mirror. Maybe, if she hadn't been such a careless idiot, she wouldn't have been handed his file this morning. Maybe she could have continued thinking he was dead. Maybe, if she hadn't defied karma by breaking her stupid mirror by her own carelessness, she wouldn't have to deal with the fact that the love of her life is, apparently, a murderer with a budding psychosis.

Oh, what a pair they were now.

She slammed her head against her neighbor's locker repeatedly, "Stupid, stupid, stupid!"

 _"_ _Hey! Stop it before ya hurt us!"_

Lucy kept her temple against the locker and narrowed her eyes at the intrusion, _Go away_ , she thought in the most threatening voice she could muster.

 _"_ _Not a chance in hell, sug. I'm gonna talk whenever I can; 'specially since those new meds Bluebell gave you work so damn well."_

"Obviously not well enough," Lucy grumbled under her breath with a sigh. She grabbed another piece of her mirror and carefully placed it in the trash bin. She grabbed a few more fragments and placed them in the bin while her ego began to interrogate her.

 _"_ _Why do you hate me so much, sug? I mean really, what have I ever done to you?"_

Lucy paused as she held the final piece of the shattered mirror. She turned its reflective surface towards her and took in her tired features. The mask she'd put on that morning had finally collapsed, burying her in all the problems she'd been working so desperately to avoid. Her makeup was smeared and her lips were chapped. She looked like she'd been beaten. She sighed. She wished she could hate. If she could, she was sure her life would be much simpler. She put the shard into the trash.

Suddenly, her phone began to ring. Startled, she answered it without checking her caller ID. "Erm, Dr. Heartfilia's phone."

"Well I'd sure as hell hope it's your phone…it'd be kinda weird if someone stole your number."

Lucy relaxed enough to chuckle a little, "Hi, Gray," she pushed a strand of hair behind her ear, "You usually don't call me twice in a day…you okay?"

There was a scoff from the other end of the line, "Uh-huh, should be…I just finished up with that interview I told ya about. Got nowhere with the guy, of course. Weasels always covering up for each other…" Gray cleared his throat, "Anyway, I'm at the apartment now. How the hell did I beat you home?" He chuckled, "Don't tell me you got stuck in traffic."

Lucy laughed. "That would certainly be a trick. No, I'm just um…cleaning up something at work. I'm about to head home."

"Oh, okay…should I start dinner?"

"Don't even think about it…for all I know you'll burn the place down." She giggled slightly, but prior experience made that statement anything but a joke.

"Hey, I know my way around a kitchen. I'll be fine, you just get home before it gets too dark out, huh? There's a lot of crazy shit happening in the news these days."

She chuckled, "What, does Mr. Bigshot Reporter think I can't handle myself?"

" _No_ , but you can never be too careful. After all, you're kind of a big deal."

"Why Gray Fullbuster…if I didn't know any better, I'd think you were flirting with me."

"Well, you know me, I'll say just about anything to get a pretty woman to eat my cooking. Now come on and get home, it's already 7 o'clock, and you know I'm not bullshitting about Magnolia at night, Lucy."

Fuck. It was that late already? Lucy nodded in response to Gray and then, realizing he couldn't see her, said, "All right, I'll get there soon." And with that, they said good-bye and hung up.

Lucy looked down at her phone with an unreadable expression and ran her fingertips across its glassy surface. She smiled slightly. He really was too good for her. She wondered what he would do if he ever knew the truth about her. What he would do if she was ever eclipsed by the part of her she never wanted him to know.

She shook her head and stood up, stretching her arms over her head and taking off her lab coat. She hung her coat in its proper place and retrieved her jacket. She was Lucy again; not Dr. Heartfilia, not her alter-ego — just Lucy. As long as she was Lucy, she would be okay. As long as she held on desperately to that small shard of her identity, she could survive any calamity.

Except, possibly, downtown Magnolian traffic. Surviving that was always up to the luck of the draw, especially since Lucy didn't drive to work, which left her with no protection whatsoever from the half-blind drivers of Magnolia.

Lucy didn't drive for many reasons: one, her apartment was nowhere near a parking garage, which made driving impractical; two, walking to work was the most exercise she got on a day-to-day basis, which meant she'd have to diet if she drove — an option she simply wouldn't consider. But her biggest reason for walking, although she'd never admit it, was that Natsu had gotten her out of the habit of driving.

While they were dating, he'd always complained about his motion sickness if she drove. So, whenever they needed to go somewhere, Natsu would drive. Overtime, Lucy just got out of the habit, and after he'd left, she couldn't seem to sit behind the wheel without thinking about him. So, she walked. Walking was good for her. It made sense. It was calming and it helped her forget him a little bit.

Still, Lucy kept her car in a storage facility on the outskirts of Magnolia. She just couldn't bring herself to sell it. Natsu loved that car. She'd been convinced that if she'd sold it, his ghost would haunt her for the rest of her days.

She kicked a rock on the sidewalk and wrapped her arms around herself as she, for what seemed to be the thousandth time that day, relived their encounter that morning. She shuddered as she realized that, even though Natsu was alive — his body was moving, breathing, and functioning on its own — he was truly a ghost. That grin flashed in her mind, followed closely by the snapshots of his handiwork. As his psychiatrist, she was able to request the police file of her patient and read the forensic reports. When she imagined the person that she'd known then, she couldn't possibly imagine that he was capable of such slaughter. She sighed and hopped up on the wide cement railing separating the narrow sidewalk from the aqueduct below. She paused as she saw the beautiful colors of a streaking sunset reflected in the water. She caught a glimpse of her own reflection as she continued along, and she tried to smile at it, but couldn't seem to shake the melancholy that pulled her smile away from her eyes, twisting her grin into almost a grimace. She shook her head and continued walking; she only had six blocks left to her apartment.

Lucy loved her apartment. She'd been living there for eight years now — ever since she'd turned eighteen and she and Natsu could scrounge up the money for its down payment. It was older, built in the 40s by some big shot architect no one remembered anymore, so the rent was reasonable by Magnolia's standards. Lucy considered it a steal because the view from its kitchen window alone was worth her rent money. From there, Lucy had a perfect view of the aqueduct and a peaceful, clandestine street. Sometimes, on the weekends or whenever she was feeling particularly wistful, she would remove a bar stool from its place at her kitchen island and place it in front of her sink, and she would just sit and watch the people milling about on the streets beneath her window, wondering about what their lives were like and what they might think about the world they unwittingly shared with her. Lucy liked to think her neighborhood was what the entirety of Magnolia had been like before the gangs had taken over. Now, it was one of the few areas of the city seemingly untouched by their violence.

Honestly, the apartment was worth way more money than she could ever afford as someone still drowning in debt from college expenses. The neighborhood value alone had skyrocketed after Magnolia's gang activities spiked, leaving fewer and fewer safe places for people to live within the city limits. The only reason her rent was still reasonable was because Natsu had some friends in unexpectedly high places, and those friends just so happened to be willing to negotiate a better deal on their behalf. After the dust had settled and the rent was reasonable enough for a couple of college students, Lucy had turned to Natsu, bewildered, and asked him what he'd done to pull this off. He'd just grinned at her and told her not to worry about it, and mentioned something about a man named Gildarts taking care of it.

Lucy saw the light of her kitchen window shining in the darkness. She smiled as she imagined Gray walking around the apartment and wondering what was taking her so damn long. She smiled and shook her head as she thought about how his face would look as she walked in. She hopped off the railing and onto the sidewalk below and hurriedly crossed the street between the aqueduct and her apartment.

As she walked up the stairs, she remembered the day that Gray moved in with her. They were still awkward around each other. He'd been looking for an apartment for weeks after he'd broken up with his last girlfriend, and he was beyond desperate by the time he saw Lucy's ad in the Classifieds. Lucy was getting desperate herself at that point; she only had a week left of her landlady's reduced rent and she couldn't find a roommate for the life of her. All her friends were overly attached to their living situations, and while they were more than happy to invite Lucy into their homes, they were more than a little reluctant to leave their own. So, when a brooding man came to the open interviews she hosted for possible roommates, she didn't immediately turn him away, but instead let him say his peace. And, well, he did make quite the first impression.

"Hi. The name's Gray Fullbuster. I'm a bit of a dick, I'm desperate, and I've been smoke-free for two months. I'm not a rapist and I have a background check to prove it right here. Whaddya say? Roommates?" He'd placed a background check on the table in front of Lucy and stepped back so she could examine the document at a safe distance from its subject.

Lucy, more than slightly taken aback, had looked at the document, looked at the handsome, clean-cut, clearly ripped man in front of her, and looked back at the page. Seeing nothing of note, she'd shaken her head slowly in disbelief, threw her hands in the air and said, "Um…why not?" And that was that.

Gray moved in that night and signed his lease the next morning. And things certainly weren't easy at first. But, they've been roommates for almost six years, and Gray had easily become the one person Lucy couldn't live without. He was a calming presence to her. He was safe. Safe was what she needed.

And, as she crossed the threshold and saw him bent over her stove, his untamed hair pinned back by some of her bobby pins and his lips pursed, blowing off the steam of his concoction, she was struck again by the feeling of safety she had around Gray. It reminded her that Natsu, even though he was in her life again, was her past. But Gray, Gray was her future.

"Lucy? Stop staring like a creep and come over here and taste this shit, I think I've outdone myself this time."

Lucy scoffed and closed the door, dropping her keys and purse on a nearby table and walked towards him with a genuine smile gracing her features, "Oh really? Well, I'll just be the judge of that."

Gray dipped the spoon into his pot again and withdrew it slowly, careful not to spill the mixture. He blew on it slightly as Lucy drew closer.

She opened her mouth and he fed her the stew. She pulled away for a moment as she savored the various flavors and textures of the spoonful.

Beef broth, carrots, corn, tomatoes, potatoes, green beans, celery…spinach? Suddenly her face scrunched up after the spinach left a sour aftertaste in her mouth. She coughed a little bit and Gray looked expectantly at her, waiting for her review.

"What in God's name possessed you to add spinach? Are you trying to poison me?!" Lucy accused as she tried to rid the disgusting flavor from her taste buds.

Gray groaned, "Fuck, I knew that was a bad choice…"

"Yeah, maybe if you ever consulted an actual _cookbook_ that wouldn't happen" Lucy grumbled.

"Jeez woman, cut me a break here. Now I gotta start over. Ya know, it wouldn't kill ya to be a little sympathetic once and a while…" He grabbed hold of his pot and began to move it to the sink.

And in that moment, Lucy could see into his future. Her eyes widened, "Gray, you forgot…"

"HOLY MOTHER OF FUCKING CHRIST!" Gray screamed as he dropped the mixture to the floor, burned his feet, and began to remove his socks while still trying to run away from the mixture.

Lucy could only watch with a hand over her mouth in horror as he managed to extricate himself from his creation. He turned to her with a despairing look. She winced sympathetically as she helped him hobble towards a nearby counter, "Potholders…Gray…you forgot the potholders."

Then she turned back to her kitchen and saw the boiling hot substance seeping into every chink in her tile floor, the stove smoking slightly, and a scorch mark forming on the cabinet closest to the scalding pot.

She turned back to Gray with a look she hoped killed him a little bit. He returned it with a guilty wince. She sighed. She was too tired to yell at Gray right now. She'd just wanted a peaceful night with her boyfriend after the day she'd had, and she really didn't want to jeopardize that by yelling. She tilted her head to the side, "Ya know what…let's just...order take out."

Gray's eyes widened slightly and his eyebrow raised in skepticism, "Really? No lecture?"

"Don't push it, babe."

Gray let out a nervous chuckle, "Heh…right…erm, so…ya think that Zodiac place delivers?"

Lucy scoffed, "For me? C'mon, my mom built that restaurant. I'm sure they wouldn't mind."

Just as she unlocked her cellphone to dial her favorite restaurant, her smoking stove triggered the smoke alarm and brought her back to the state of her kitchen. She resolutely handed the phone to Gray and gestured to the kitchen.

"I'm just gonna…"

"Yeah, totally…I got this."

And with that, Lucy turned off the stove, turned off the smoke alarm, and began to clean while Gray ordered their dinner.

After Lucy made a safe path to her freezer, she grabbed some frozen vegetables and some ice. She got Gray settled in the living room and tied the veggies to his hands with a few dish towels. Then, she put the ice in a bucket, filled it with cold water and stuck his feet in it. The entire affair was filled with a great deal of protestation from a certain clumsy reporter, but Lucy didn't pay the kitchen destroyer much attention.

Instead, she went through the motions as his caretaker and only occasionally aimed piercing looks his way. As his protestations died and her kitchen rehabilitated, Lucy cooled down enough to smile for the delivery boy when there was a knock on her door.

Then she saw who it was, and all the annoyance came rushing back. There, holding her takeout in one hand and a bottle of wine in the other, was one of the more irksome employees of the Zodiac restaurant.

"I've brought your food to you, Princess," The woman in front of her drawled. Then, glancing around Lucy into her apartment, she gestured to the bottle. "And I brought a little gift to help move things in an…" making eye contact with Lucy, she rolled her tongue across her teeth, "interesting direction."

"Eileen…" Lucy began, before the woman stopped her with a pointed look. She was still on the clock. Lucy rolled her eyes, "Fine. Virgo…"

"Yes, Princess, has my service been to your liking?"

"You certainly go…above and beyond." Lucy said as she took the wine and the takeout from the scantily clad delivery _woman_ and returned with the agreed upon delivery charge – and a little extra to cover the wine. She bid the woman goodnight and began to shut the door. Virgo put her foot between the door and its frame.

"If my service has not been to your liking, you may punish me as you see fit." Virgo stated with a completely neutral expression.

"No…Virgo, it's fine –"

"Lucy, why are you always so hesitant to punish me? Do I not satisfy you?"

Lucy spluttered, "Wh-wh-huh? Virgo…it's take out. You gave me food, I'm beyond satisfied here."

Virgo straightened, "I see. Well then…I suppose I must take my leave." Virgo removed her foot from the door and bowed at her waist, "Good night, Princess. I hope you have lots of hot, sweaty sex with your roommate."

And with that, Virgo turned around and left.

Lucy watched her go for a second, then slowly closed the door and rested her back against it. She stood there in silent contemplation until Gray called to her from the living room.

Effectively brought back to reality, Lucy grabbed the takeout, some eating utensils, a couple of wine glasses, and the wine. She then took everything into the living room with a small smile. Somehow, she managed to remove everything from her arms without breaking anything or making a mess. She mentally applauded herself for her dexterity, but she continued getting everything ready so that she and Gray could have a nice meal together.

The Zodiac served home-cooked, feel-good cuisine with an exotic twist. As an avid adventurer with a sensitive palate, Lucy's mother loved commemorating her journeys by figuring out the recipes to her favorite dishes and recording them in her diaries. It wasn't until Lucy's mother met a psycho psychic in Greece that she considered turning her hobby into a career. With the help of Aquarius and the financial backing of her husband, Layla had built the Zodiac from the ground up. And the restaurant was unique to say the least. Every worker was required to adopt a zodiac moniker, and all of them were qualified chefs.

Since Layla couldn't part with any memories, the Zodiac had a truly enormous menu. It required an incredibly large kitchen staff to function effectively, but everything ran smoothly, because by some stroke of fate the only person who couldn't cook anything for the life of her had the hardest personality to work with. So, Aquarius stayed out of the kitchen and dealt with all the customers. She would give impromptu readings, so the restaurant could promote hilarious live entertainment on top of amazing food. And Magnolia couldn't get enough of it.

Lucy smiled as she took a bite from her Mansaf and sighed blissfully. As the lamb and the jameed mingled with onions and spices she'd never be able to identify, Lucy was taken back to the times she used to watch her mother cooking at home, the times she and her father used to surprise Layla at the restaurant before Layla had gotten diagnosed. Everything was fine when she ate food like this. It took her back to a time in her life when peace was all she'd ever known. A time before alter egos and secrets and nightmares. A time when everything, from the mundane to the extraordinary, seemed like a never-ending adventure.

"Hey…you okay?" Gray asked Lucy.

Lucy tore herself from her thoughts, "Hm? Oh yeah…it's just been a long day."

"You sure about that?"

"Yeah…"

"Okay…" Gray replied with skepticism, "Well, if nothing's wrong, I kinda wanna bring up something." Lucy noticed Gray had removed the veggies from his hands as he poured her a glass of wine.

"Is your hand feeling better?" Lucy questioned with a smirk.

Gray shot her a look, "It's fine, but that's not what I want to talk about."

Lucy grabbed the wine and turned her body so she faced him. Taking her body language as a sign to continue, Gray began.

"We're happy, right?" Lucy balked, "I mean…we're not perfect, obviously. But we're happy. And we're both looking at the long-term still, right?"

Lucy could only nod.

Gray sighed in relief. "Okay…okay so we're okay. That's good." He chugged his wine and began to refill his glass. "So…why can't we sleep together?"

Lucy was cut off before she could respond.

"I know that we've _slept_ together, yeah…but, like, you've always kicked me out of your room or left right after sex, and…I get it that you have nightmares. You _know_ I know you have nightmares but like…you trust me, right?" He chugged again. "Like…you know I'm not gonna do anything to make you feel like less of a person just because you've been through some shit."

Gray began to pour another glass. "And another thing," he drank another gulp and topped his glass off again, "Are you ever gonna tell me about that? Like…Lucy I have lived with you for six years, we have been dating for almost three, why don't I know about who fucked you up yet?"

He moved to drink the wine again, but Lucy grabbed the glass before it brushed his lips. She put the glass on the table, and looked at Gray and grappled with her emotions. Before she'd formulated a response, her lips were moving. Her voice sounded foreign to her. "Well don't you just sound so high and mighty. Like you have no secrets. Like you're completely open and honest with me." She stood up and moved to the other side of the room. It was silent. She turned back and saw apprehension lighting up his face like a Christmas tree. "All right, Gray. You want honesty? Let's get honest. Let's talk about Juvia, huh? That's the name of your ex, right? The one that still sends you love letters? Why don't I ever see those in the trash, Gray? For that matter, let's talk about your little 'interviews' that happen at all hours of the night. Shitty excuses, missed calls, no responses. I can _hear_ you leave this apartment, you know, I'm not exactly ignorant." Lucy was pacing and her voice was raising, "I mean, if I didn't know any better, I'd say you were sneaking out to _fuck_ her."

Gray stood up and walked towards her, "Hey, don't turn this around on me, Lucy, we both know you have trust issues."

"I have trust issues?" Lucy scoffed. "That's rich coming from you."

"Excuse me? Lucy, I…"

"Where do you go, Gray? If you're not screwing your stalker –"

"Fuck, will you shut up about Juvia already? Why can't you just tell me what's –"

"Because you don't want to know Gray! It's messy, it's horrible, it's a fucking _train wreck_ and I'm not gonna bring you into it, no matter what!"

There was a pause. Lucy moved towards Gray's stationary figure. She gently placed her hand over Gray's chest. She felt his heartbeat pulse under her touch and she made a fist, curling the fabric of his t-shirt into her grasp. She stared at her hand before looking up at him again.

"If I tell you everything, I will lose you, Gray."

He brought a hand up to her face and brushed away the tear from her cheek.

"And I can't do that…I can't lose you. You're the…you're the only person keeping me sane, Gray. And I…I love you."

Gray cupped Lucy's face and her eyes searched his for a key into his thoughts. He kissed her. She tangled her fingers in his hair and brought him closer. He broke the kiss. His forehead rested against hers. He let out a sigh. "Will you tell me one day, Lucy? Can you promise me now that you'll tell me everything eventually?"

Lucy processed his words carefully. Everything as in…

 _That's right, sug...you're gonna have to tell him about me..._ there was a chuckle from the inner recesses of Lucy's mind, _I can't wait to see that one._

Lucy gulped. Gray regarded her with scrutiny. She was taking too long. She gripped the back of Gray's neck and kissed him. She couldn't lose him. After they parted she forced a small smile, "I'll give you an exclusive."

Gray chuckled, which made Lucy giggle, and pretty soon they were kissing again. And this time, there were no teardrops to wipe away or signals crossed. Lucy practically ripped the bobby pins out of Gray's hair as he loosened her ponytail. She unbuttoned his shirt, he unzipped her skirt. His hands were on her ass, her mouth was on his neck, and before long they were so intertwined, not even the shadows could separate their heartbeats.

Afterwards, Lucy listened to the sound of Gray's breathing as he drifted off to sleep. She smiled at him. She wanted to tell him everything. She wanted to tell him about her father. Of course, she wanted to tell him about Natsu and everything she now questioned because of him. She wanted to talk to Gray about these problems. She wanted, more than anything in the world, to just be _fixed_. But Gray couldn't fix her. No one could fix her. She was broken and her cracks would be visible for the rest of her life.

She kissed Gray's chest and slipped out of his room. She tip-toed back into the living room. She drank the leftover wine, hoping that the alcohol mixed with the stress of her day might just be enough of a combination to keep her from having nightmares again. She put their dinners in the refrigerator and turned off the lights.

As she lay in bed, it suddenly hit her that she'd have to see him tomorrow. She'd have to look into his eyes and treat him like someone she'd never known. Someone she'd never loved.

How was she supposed to do it? How was she going to go into work every single day and deal with her world being flipped upside down? And, more importantly, how the hell was she supposed to keep everything else from imploding around her? She felt like she was on a monumental precipice. One wrong step could destroy everything she had built for herself. As soon as she allowed an opening, her alter ego would take advantage of her weakness. This was a fact, a simple truth she knew innately and never wanted to test.

Sleep came to her quickly that night, and Lucy was instantly thrown into a memory she'd all but forgotten, and a dream she'd not soon forget.

* * *

 **Author's Note:**

Hey guys, sorry for taking so long to update. As I'm a bit of a perfectionist, this is about the 7th version of this chapter, and through a process of just...crazy revision, I am finally satisfied. Good news though, I have completely built the universe for this fic, so I should be adhering to a somewhat more...regular updating schedule from here on out. I hope that most of you will bear with me here, as this is the first story I've ever published on this website and there's a twinge of a learning curve.

Thank you for the reviews, favorites, and follows. I honestly didn't expect to get much support until I provided more content, but you all have been very sweet to me, despite my absence, and I'm very glad that you decided to read this, despite seeing the "last updated" date and clicking out.

Also...yes. There is a little bit of Gralu in here...don't worry, this is still a Nalu fanfiction. I just like to make things interesting. Again, I hope you bear with me here because trust me when I say this: it gets a _lot_ better.

Thank you guys again for the support, and I hope to see you here next chapter.

Humbly yours,

demonicserenade


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